Understanding Attachment Theory: How to Achieve Successful Attachment

written by: Jacasa Currie

editing and proofreading by: Daniel Currie

Cover Photo for Blog "Attachment Theory"

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While I was in college studying Early Childhood Education for my associate degree, I took a

child development. In this class, I learned about attachment theory. This fascinated me, among

other things I learned. There are 4 types of attachment that are originally formed as babies but

continue to develop throughout childhood. The good news is you can change parenting behaviors

to curb this. The four types of attachments are secure, anxious, avoidant-dismissive, and

disorganized. Let’s go through the characteristics and how it can affect adult relationships/adult

lives.

Understanding Attachment Theory: Secure

Often times these children feel they are safe and supported by caregivers. This is the type of parent that is strived for. As babies, these children become upset when caregivers leave, but then are comforted when they return, and their caregiver’s presence calms them. In adult relationships they are more likely to maintain healthy relationships.

parents and a toddler riding on the dad's shoulders at the beach

Understanding Attachment Theory: Anxious

This is also known as preoccupied attachment or anxious-ambivalent attachment. This is a form of insecure attachment. This happens when the caregiver is inconsistent. The child typically isn’t sure when the caregiver will be emotionally and physically available to them. As babies, they are harder to comfort when crying. In adult relationships they are “needy” or “clingy” and often times not trusting. They become worried that their partner will leave them and need constant reassurance.

little girl, head on a table playing with her teddy bear

Understanding Attachment Theory: Avoidant-dismissive

This type of person is usually seen as a loner. They are more likely to not delve into emotional conversations. In childhood they had experienced a lack of emotional support or connections. This child was provided with the psychical needs but not emotional comfort, therefore they learn to rely on others for their emotional needs. In adult relationships they are self-reliant and emotionally guarded. They are unlikely to seek emotional comfort or understand how to comfort their partner.

Young boy sitting on his father's lap as he tries to do work with his laptop while on the phone

Understanding Attachment Theory: Disorganized

This is also known as fearful-avoidant attachment. This is the most extreme and least common attachment style. These individuals usually act irrationally, are unpredictable or intense in their relationships. This is formed from trauma/fear in childhood. They had an erratic or incoherent relationship with their primary caregiver. As adults they can develop mental health disorders and/or personality disorders. In adult relationships they experience unhealthy relationships where they crave close relationships but push others away once shown attention.

little boy sad sitting on the floor curled up with his stuffed elephant

Now let’s discuss how to use parenting to avoid/achieve these.

To Achieve Successful Attachments: Secure

Like mentioned earlier, this is the one that we are trying to achieve. Ways to do this is to be involved in their lives. It is important to be emotionally available to them whenever they need comforting. It is important to show up to various events in the child’s life so that they feel that presence and feel cared about. If there are babies in the picture it is important to comfort them when they are crying and upset, as hard as that can be at times.

Little girl being picked up and cheerfully lifted over her dad's head with mom by their side

To Achieve Successful Attachments: Anxious

To avoid this attachment style, it would be important to make yourself readily available to them emotionally. Although making sure they are provided for psychically is important, children need the emotional support just as much. Trying to keep an open line of communication is as always important as well. Just being there for the child is extremely important.

Father and mother spending time with their young daughter having breakfast at the table

To Achieve Successful Attachments: Avoidant-dismissive

This one like the last one focuses mostly on the emotional aspect of things. For this one it is also important to create that close personal relationship with your child. Have daily conversations and even if you are not actually interested in what they are, still ask about it. Make sure they feel that they are important in your life. Always communicate with them to create that open line of communication.

parents playing board games on the floor with their colored tween boy

To Achieve Successful Attachments: Disorganized

This one should be easy to avoid. However, sometimes we find ourselves in unsafe/abusive situations. In those situations, even if the person you are with is not hurting your child, they are witnessing you getting hurt whether it be mentally or physically or both, and that in turn hurts and effects them. It is important to get yourself out of those situations. If you are the one who is being unsafe/abusive then it is important to find immediate help for yourself. Even if that means you may have to distance yourself while you get better, this is still better for the child in the long run. If this has to happen, it is important to continue to communicate with your child (if possible).

Black & White photo of an African American girl resting her head in her hand alone

In Conclusion

It may seem like some of this is extreme, but the little things that parents do every day

affects their child. Sometimes there are things that we do that we don’t even realize we are doing such as telling the child to go play and not engaging in how their days were. Those little things will go a long way in ensuring their success and avoiding the negative attachment styles they could develop.

—Jacasa Currie, AAS, ECE