The Translucent Parent: The Perfect Balance

written by: Daniel Currie

editing and proofreading reviewed by: Jacasa Currie

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I've talked about my daughter quite a few times over the dozens of blogs; she is a spitfire that I adore for everything she has become and so much more. She is passionate, fiery, stubborn, and fun. She shares her dad's horrible immatureness and bad sense of humor that many may despise and find vulgar. She is her father's daughter through and through.

We have a relationship like many fiery daughters and immature fathers. We love each other without showing a lot of affection, but conversely, we have this unbreakable bond that nobody could ever break, let alone try to understand. Some may even dare to say it's complicated.

It's not complicated to us. The only thing that can be complicated is the amount of slack I give her. No, I'm not talking about how long of a leash I give her regarding our relationship, and how she (well, we) behave, or our feelings towards each other, or whatnot. I'm talking about my little girl growing up while this dad starts to watch from the sideline.

Sometimes, it's soul-crushing to know I'm no longer as important as I may have once been. Even then, it's very rewarding to know she is walking her own path, independent and uncompromising, not following in anybody's shoes, not even mine.

How is a father supposed to let go? I know I must let her grow and mature on her own, but there is no way in hell I am just "letting go." This father will not sit by and let her go unguided and undisciplined. I love my little girl too much to see her potentially slip down a rabbit's hole when I could be there for her as I always have.

While weighing my options, another somewhat obvious thought crossed my mind: Should I lay down the law and instill a slew of rules to better protect her? After all, she's just going into high school, and there is so much that can happen. She may not be ready for all that's to come, and she could use some rigid rules for guidance.

On one hand, it felt too hot, and on the other, it felt too cold. I needed "just right." I didn't want to be totally transparent, where she could do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, like I wasn't even there and didn't care. Permissive parenting, or neglectful parenting, is not something I'm into; I just could never see myself not having that unique bond anymore, guiding her in her times of need.

Chewing the thought around some more, I realized I certainly did not want to be this massive stone wall, either, locking her in a jail cell of rules. How are teens really supposed to learn without falling here and there? After all, that's what a dad is supposed to do! Help them back up from their fall, dust them off, and tell them to keep trying.

I've always felt this solid, stone-wall approach is not necessarily the correct way, either. The problem with too many rules is that teens are much more likely to rebel since they are not fully mature yet. Regardless of how good intentions may be, until the teen sees that, the reason does not matter; it takes maturing. In contrast, by pampering them (putting it bluntly), whether by helicopter parenting or by having too many lenient house rules, they may stumble when they reach adulthood and face "real-life" rules, as all of us adults know!

I came to the realization translucent parenting is critical. I needed to be there, to guide and help her—but crucially, I needed to let her live her life. I felt it was vital for her to know I was there for her no matter the rhyme or reason, yet I refused to obstruct her views and goals in life. There was no way in hell I wanted to prevent my little girl from fully blooming into a beautiful woman full of life and personality. I refused to hinder her development or slow her down; she is too good for that, and I love her for WHO SHE IS, not who others want her to be.

Not only did I want her to know that her dreams and passions were always within reach and that she could achieve them, but I also needed her to know that I was THERE for her—not transparent or uninvolved, but always there for her, no matter what.

Furthermore, she must understand that I am not that impenetrable stone wall either, where she feels her dad had become this dictator, stating, "It's for your best," not allowing her much independent decision-making, originality, and individualism. My little girl needs to understand I am there when it's needed—when she needs Dad to help her back up, to dust her off, and to tell her, "It's alright, let's try again." In this translucent style, I'm only there when she starts to veer too close to the edge, guiding her and keeping her on the straight and narrow.

Young teen girl braiding her father's hair

That Goldilocks zone is known as being a translucent parent. Translucent parenting means allowing your teens to flourish independently as you foster their growth. Allowing them to learn from their mistakes based on the morals and beliefs you've instilled in them from a young age. It isn't about turning a blind eye or crossing your fingers, hoping for the best. In contrast, it isn't about controlling and clearing the path for them. It's about relinquishing control in a very smooth, fluid method so that when they become young adults and are on their own, they don't even realize you are there anymore.

Here's the bottom line: Be mindful that in order for your teens to mature properly, they must have guidance. Guidance does not mean being careless or rigid. It means helping your teen to achieve their dreams while keeping them on the straight and narrow. It's allowing your teen to experience the world, discover their likes and dislikes, realize their passions, and be comfortable without judgment.