Raising Wise Teens: Teaching Trust, Boundaries & Healthy Friendships

Feb 27 min read

written by: Jacasa Currie

editing and proofreading by: Daniel Currie

Cover Photo with title of blog and its target audience

Enjoy the Podcast wherever you listen; just search Guiding Teenagers or check it out HERE!

As adults, we know that our relationships, friendships, and connections are in a constant state of growing, dissipating, and changing. This can be a hard concept for our teens to understand. Especially when it comes to the loss of those connections. Try to think back to when you were in school. You most likely, unless you moved around, grew up with the same group of kids. Your friends were mostly your friends. Occasionally, there were new people introduced, or one or two people changed. But it is hard to realize that there are more people in the world than just those that go to your own school. It is also equally hard to understand when those connections need to be severed for the teen's own well-being.

Cartoon of 3 teens (1 guy, 2 girls) socializing. Raising Wise Teens.

As a parent, it can be tricky to try to let them know who they should or shouldn't be spending time with. A parent's job isn't to control but to guide. So, the big question is: how?

Know the Signs

Let's first take a look at what it means for someone to be toxic. This seems like a mean term, but it is the best way I can ensure we are clear that this message gets across. It is someone who brings more negative than positive to your life. Or maybe they just bring you down, and you are tired of that feeling.

Cartoon image of parents upset with their hands on their face disappointed. Raising Wise Teens.

Now, we will break down the most common traits/actions of toxic people:

1) Manipulative Behavior

They use others for their own advantage.
Example in a teen: Pretending to befriend someone because they intend to copy their homework. Then, when they don't need their help anymore, they start to ignore them.

2) Lack of Empathy

When faced with others' issues, they tend to show little regard for others' feelings; instead, they turn things around to be about them.
Example in a teen: When a friend is upset about a breakup, they respond with, "You think that's bad? My life is way worse," instead of offering support.

3) Constant Negativity

This person will radiate negativity; they will approach most, if not all, situations with a pessimistic attitude.
Example in a teen: No matter what happens, they find something bad to say: If a friend gets an award, they say, "It's probably not even a big deal," or if plans are made, they assume, "it's going to suck anyway."

4) Criticism and Judgement

They often put others down, diminish their accomplishment, and make others feel inadequate.
Example in a teen: They may mock their friend's clothing, interests, or achievements, making snide comments like, "You actually think you're good at that? That's embarrassing."

5) Controlling Tendencies

They often micromanage or try to control the thoughts and/or actions of others in order to achieve personal benefit.
Example in a teen: Telling their friends who they can or can't hang out with, demanding loyalty, and getting angry if someone talks to people they don't approve of.

6) Shifting of Blame

They never take responsibility for their actions and blame others when things go wrong.
Example in a teen: If they were to get in trouble at school for talking in class, they immediately say, "It's not my fault. They were the ones distracting me."

7) Exploitation

Using others' kindness or weaknesses for their own benefit.
Example in a teen: They guilt-trip a friend into always paying for their food saying, "You have more money than me, it's no big deal," without ever repaying or showing gratitude.

My teen has a friend like this… what now?

So, now that we have a little better understanding of how this could look. Let's say you've noticed that a teen has a friend who is displaying one or multiple of these behaviors. What should you do? The first thing you should do is to sit down and have a calm conversation. Mention what you have been noticing that their friend seems to be displaying some concerning behaviors. Then, point out specific examples of what you have been noticing. As much as you would love to say I want you to stop spending time with this person, it is best to avoid that. Why, you might ask? Think about when you were a teen. Do you think that you would respond well to that? Probably not. Essentially, you will just push your teen to continue spending time with them, and possibly even more time if they feel spiteful. You have to remember this connection feels super important to them right now.

Instead of pushing them that way, calmly explain that you are concerned that this could be affecting them negatively. Then, ask them if they have noticed the same things. If they have, encourage them to have a conversation with their friend. The friend's response determines whether or not they should continue or walk away. Sometimes, we do things naturally and do not realize we are doing them. When things get pointed out, we are able to notice and correct our behaviors. This is the best-case scenario. If the response is more negative, the next suggestion should be to distance themselves, at least for a little while. This allows your teen to give their friend space to rethink their actions and possibly right them. If not, it allows them to see their true colors and hopefully make the choice to walk away.

Cartoon image of a mother consoling her teen daughter on a couch. Raising Wise Teens.

Overall, you want to be more of a listener than an advice giver. The suggestions above are great ways to guide without overdoing it. When your teen sees that you have their best interest in mind instead of just controlling things, it helps to build that positive relationship and fosters open communication. Your teen will feel more comfortable coming to you in the future for guidance. You also have to decipher when they need someone to just listen to them. After their conversation with their friend, they may come to you to update you on the situation. Always remind them that you are there for them and just listen until they ask for your assistance.

Do not write off their friend.

What exactly do I mean by this? Essentially, do not hold grudges, at least not to your teen's knowledge. When your teen goes about this conversation, they may decide to walk away and have some negative things to say about said friend, but later, rekindle their relationship. It is hard not to remember all the hurt they may have gone through the first time around, and you shouldn't forget. Keep it filed away, but do not show your grudge to your teen. If you do end up saying well, I really do not like this friend because they did x, y, and z, you are breaking that line of trust you had built, and your teen will feel as though they shouldn't come to you because you will always hold a personal grudge.

Cartoon image of a father shaking his finger saying, "No!" Raising Wise Teens

Instead, inquire about the rekindled friendship. Ask them how they ended up fixing things and if they feel they are sincere about their apologies if any occurred. Tell them that you trust their judgment but just to be wary until they have fully proven themselves and that you will always support their decisions.

Cartoon image of a mother and son holding heart cutouts indicating their care for each other. Raising Wise Teens

But what if this friend is seriously causing problems, like getting them involved in dangerous behaviors or thought patterns?

It is important to remember that while a parent's job is to guide, it is also to protect. If you sincerely feel as though they are negatively impacting your teen, then you should communicate that to your teen. Be honest about your feelings and concerns. Suggest that they come over to your house, where it is a little easier to monitor their activities. Keep a closer eye on them. We have to teach our teens that everyone has choices and that choices have consequences. It is important to remember that they are not you. They have their own thoughts, feelings, and choices. I am not saying to just let them do things, but open communication and a little breathing room go a long way. The more you honestly and openly communicate with your teen, the more likely they will be to reciprocate.

Be a role model for your teen.

Possibly the most important aspect is to show examples to your teen of what it means to search out the most positive connections out in the world. This can be shown through your own relationship because as much as a parent doesn't want it to happen, teens will begin dating. This could also be shown in your own friendships. If you have ever had to decide that maybe someone wasn't a positive friendship and you had to walk away, use that as an example in conversation. Being able to relate to your teen will help them understand that you might just know what you are talking about and help them get to know you better as a person.

The Wrap-Up

In the end, guiding your teen through friendships—both healthy and toxic—is about maintaining open communication, trust, and support. Instead of controlling their choices, provide them with the tools to recognize unhealthy behaviors and make informed decisions on their own. Be a listener, a role model, and a source of encouragement. Friendships will come and go, and while it's hard to watch your teen struggle, allowing them the space to learn and grow will ultimately help them build stronger, healthier relationships in the future. Your guidance, patience, and understanding will make all the difference in helping them navigate these important social dynamics.